Autisticly Aar’s Diaries of Autism Acceptance: Chapter 1

Comes around every year and most posts sometimes feel repetitive or little else to say. This sense of repetitiveness and lacking little to say comes from someone who lives a sheltered uneventful life tucked away in the corners of a suburban welsh valley in a coastal town. Where I have little to no in person connections with openly autistic peers and that in itself can get lonely and put the acceptance at bay.

I’m an adult of the age of twenty-four years who dropped out of university in a change that caused autistic burnout. I know now in reflection that the university in the nearby city that I would be setting out for hour long commutes to and from university each day. if I stayed and completed my degree in politics I could’ve met other autistic and neurodivergent people on campus by getting involved in the extra-curricular groups. Not living on campus I would myself flat out in exhaustion if I did stay on for extra-curricular activities in the evening.

I had opportunities to meet other autistic individuals and go to certain activities and groups that were with other neurodivergent people but I didn’t want to or rather I was too afraid to. But why was I afraid? Of being seen as different was the reason. I never seen any good representation when I was younger any positive representation that spoked to me. So, when I got diagnosed for at least eight years I didn’t say nothing on it but silence. I just thought nothing of it but to carry on without not standing out. But I never tried hard to fit in either. I just tried to do what I thought was expected of me.

In the sense of never really trying to fit in I wasn’t a socialite. I wouldn’t regularly engage with my peers out of school hours on summer holidays or weeks off from school like everyone else. I never tried to make eye contact or try to understand fads and trends of memes and what not.

To fully accept my autism and my neurodivergent self is a process that I consider life-long as I am still educating myself and trying to be more open, frank and honest and know I got much more to still learn about myself. I’m still young and got much more time to have the interactions and friendships with those like minded people, that community I didn’t have. As in reflection as someone who has high anixety and what must be medium support needs I find it hard to be able to access my communities in person feels inaccessible. As I don’t use public transport by myself and lack that independence that could connect me with those in my community. I do get envious when see so many of social media influences within the community who gather at community events wishing I was there. But know I’m not alone in this.